It all starts with the mutual agreement of two families, irrespective of
any of the two possible triggers leading to the auspicious occasion of a
marriage. Arrange marriage, more common of the two, is still the orthodox way
of tying the knot between those two ‘innocent’ people who are offered as
sacrificial lambs in a collaborative ‘business deal’; lambs that are not to be
slaughtered straight away, but to die a slow painful death of bearing rest of
their lives in a compromise and having to share a bed with a complete alien
person as a result of some lucrative treaty being signed by the third and
fourth party. Love marriage, the second trigger, although having lower
incidence than the arranged one, is still considered a taboo in our society and
is also more complicated out of the two. The pattern usually takes a script
straight out of the typical Bollywood movies; the girl’s rich father doesn’t
let his ego approve a hand to mouth son-in-law; the girl’s having overly
protective brothers who want to exhibit their effort of vigorous work outs in
gym by taking down the heat on some soft target; Or the boy’s mother, who has
already fixed the marriage of his son with his ‘khala ki beti’ and be like ‘main
tou shehnaz ko zubaan dey chuki hoon tere paida honay se pehle’. The
hurdles, however, are overcome if the couple remain steadfast and stubborn,
ultimately the families agree and succumb to the ‘dheet-ness’ of their children, ending up in an outcome similar to
the arranged marriages; ‘Lijiyie, Moo
meetha kijiyie’.
The next phase subdivides the family members into different zones according
to their respective state of minds. There is a beginning of unsurmountable
competitiveness when it comes to the ladies and their long list and
complexities of dresses for rest of the long wedding season among themselves.
The struggle begins for searching diverse set of clothes, shoes, jewelry and
all other accessories for each day of the never ending functions. There has to
be a different hairstyle for each event, making sure it’s from a different
saloon. Dresses should not be from the same outlet as it would be too
mainstream. Sandals should not be from the same brand to avoid the label of
being ‘cheap and outdated’. Everything has to complement each other in terms of
shades, color and texture. Above all, special care needs to be taken for
maintaining uniqueness while choosing the desired products to avoid the much
familiar complaint ‘meri kameeni behan
hamesha meri copy karti hai :@’
The boys, mostly brothers of the demanding sisters and sons of the
insisting mothers, are amongst the inevitable sufferers. Their social life
takes a back seat for good few weeks as they take on the job of unfortunate
driver who are being instructed to take the ladies to various/every shopping
mall in the city. First few visits are merely meant to get an idea of the
prices and quality – basically a comparative survey. The real shopping starts
after a vulture-istic inspection and cent percent satisfaction. The boys will
be ordered to drive 5 miles extra if that shopkeeper is selling a dress with a
discount of 100 bucks – because the car runs on water according to their logic
and saving 100 bucks on a dress is a bigger achievement, doesn’t matter if the shop
falls out of the way, a discount is a discount! The sisters prepare a playlist
of their own and hand it over to brothers telling them to copy all the songs in
a USB after browsing through their music playlist, internet and taking
feedbacks from their wide social circle. The playlist consist of latest ‘latka-jhatka’ songs which they think
will be most appropriate to exhibit their moves, and so the
dance-practice-cum-slimming-exercises sessions start. While the race of acing
the dance steps and fitting into the new outfits is initiated for girls, the boys
are handed over with another list – the ‘chosen’ relatives and friends to be
invited, and asked to order the wedding cards to get printed according to the
number of expected invitees. Boys ultimately get their reward at the brink of
wedding when almost all the ladies issues have resolved. They are taken to the
gents outfit, only to get the clothes after approval from the ‘bossy’ ladies, ‘ye color nai suit karta tumhare sath,
hamesha black kyu?, gray mai buddhay lagtay ho, iss mai kalay lagtay ho, uss
mai charsi lagtay ho, aisa stuff pehle bhi pehntay rehtay ho, ye wala le lo
tumhari apni shaadi pe bhi kaam ajayega, aur khabardaar jo jaw-line banaai,
clean shave karna!’
The father, who has played a role no different to an ATM machine up till
now, gets the privilege to choose the design of wedding card (after the choice
has to be narrowed down to two by the ladies in the house and they can’t decide
between the final two). He is like that principal of the college who is the
center of attention before an approval of a trip but is sidelined once the
green signal is given. He is busy quarreling with his wife over those relatives
who must and who must not show up in the wedding. The wife doesn’t approve the
presence of his hubby’s ‘phupho ki beti’
who once in a lifetime was a candidate to be the wife of his existing husband
and is now a grandmother herself, but the wife still sees her as a potential
threat because women of all ages are insecure, and secondly the star plus
effect should be instilled in a wedding because ‘wo shaadi hy kya jis mai khaandaan waalon ka drama na ho’.
The much awaited day finally arrives (the first of the few to follow). Two
concerned fathers are even more concerned. The mothers are conscious of each
other even though both of them are heavily studded with all the required (and
not so required) accessories. The girls are exhibiting their beautiful clothes
to their friends and to the professional cameraman because having a ‘DP
material’ by the end of the event is like a religious obligation that has to be
performed. The boys are multitasking – managing the tasks given to them by the
parents and also keeping their eyes cool by ‘taarhofying’ chicks. The ‘Larkay
Walay’ have their necks an inch or two longer and stiffer than their
counterparts for some strange reasons. It is the time of entry of integral part
of the wedding; no you guessed it wrong, it’s not the bride or groom, it’s the guests,
the honorable guests, without the presence of whom the event is next to
impossible. All the fuss that has been described earlier was to impress these
people as they are not the simple guests, they in fact are the analyzers and
have come not to congratulate or eat (well of course that’s one of the major
incentive), but the main goal is to scrutinize the whole event with their
critical eyes.
