It all starts with the mutual agreement of two families, irrespective of
any of the two possible triggers leading to the auspicious occasion of a
marriage. Arrange marriage, more common of the two, is still the orthodox way
of tying the knot between those two ‘innocent’ people who are offered as
sacrificial lambs in a collaborative ‘business deal’; lambs that are not to be
slaughtered straight away, but to die a slow painful death of bearing rest of
their lives in a compromise and having to share a bed with a complete alien
person as a result of some lucrative treaty being signed by the third and
fourth party. Love marriage, the second trigger, although having lower
incidence than the arranged one, is still considered a taboo in our society and
is also more complicated out of the two. The pattern usually takes a script
straight out of the typical Bollywood movies; the girl’s rich father doesn’t
let his ego approve a hand to mouth son-in-law; the girl’s having overly
protective brothers who want to exhibit their effort of vigorous work outs in
gym by taking down the heat on some soft target; Or the boy’s mother, who has
already fixed the marriage of his son with his ‘khala ki beti’ and be like ‘main
tou shehnaz ko zubaan dey chuki hoon tere paida honay se pehle’. The
hurdles, however, are overcome if the couple remain steadfast and stubborn,
ultimately the families agree and succumb to the ‘dheet-ness’ of their children, ending up in an outcome similar to
the arranged marriages; ‘Lijiyie, Moo
meetha kijiyie’.
The next phase subdivides the family members into different zones according
to their respective state of minds. There is a beginning of unsurmountable
competitiveness when it comes to the ladies and their long list and
complexities of dresses for rest of the long wedding season among themselves.
The struggle begins for searching diverse set of clothes, shoes, jewelry and
all other accessories for each day of the never ending functions. There has to
be a different hairstyle for each event, making sure it’s from a different
saloon. Dresses should not be from the same outlet as it would be too
mainstream. Sandals should not be from the same brand to avoid the label of
being ‘cheap and outdated’. Everything has to complement each other in terms of
shades, color and texture. Above all, special care needs to be taken for
maintaining uniqueness while choosing the desired products to avoid the much
familiar complaint ‘meri kameeni behan
hamesha meri copy karti hai :@’
The boys, mostly brothers of the demanding sisters and sons of the
insisting mothers, are amongst the inevitable sufferers. Their social life
takes a back seat for good few weeks as they take on the job of unfortunate
driver who are being instructed to take the ladies to various/every shopping
mall in the city. First few visits are merely meant to get an idea of the
prices and quality – basically a comparative survey. The real shopping starts
after a vulture-istic inspection and cent percent satisfaction. The boys will
be ordered to drive 5 miles extra if that shopkeeper is selling a dress with a
discount of 100 bucks – because the car runs on water according to their logic
and saving 100 bucks on a dress is a bigger achievement, doesn’t matter if the shop
falls out of the way, a discount is a discount! The sisters prepare a playlist
of their own and hand it over to brothers telling them to copy all the songs in
a USB after browsing through their music playlist, internet and taking
feedbacks from their wide social circle. The playlist consist of latest ‘latka-jhatka’ songs which they think
will be most appropriate to exhibit their moves, and so the
dance-practice-cum-slimming-exercises sessions start. While the race of acing
the dance steps and fitting into the new outfits is initiated for girls, the boys
are handed over with another list – the ‘chosen’ relatives and friends to be
invited, and asked to order the wedding cards to get printed according to the
number of expected invitees. Boys ultimately get their reward at the brink of
wedding when almost all the ladies issues have resolved. They are taken to the
gents outfit, only to get the clothes after approval from the ‘bossy’ ladies, ‘ye color nai suit karta tumhare sath,
hamesha black kyu?, gray mai buddhay lagtay ho, iss mai kalay lagtay ho, uss
mai charsi lagtay ho, aisa stuff pehle bhi pehntay rehtay ho, ye wala le lo
tumhari apni shaadi pe bhi kaam ajayega, aur khabardaar jo jaw-line banaai,
clean shave karna!’
The father, who has played a role no different to an ATM machine up till
now, gets the privilege to choose the design of wedding card (after the choice
has to be narrowed down to two by the ladies in the house and they can’t decide
between the final two). He is like that principal of the college who is the
center of attention before an approval of a trip but is sidelined once the
green signal is given. He is busy quarreling with his wife over those relatives
who must and who must not show up in the wedding. The wife doesn’t approve the
presence of his hubby’s ‘phupho ki beti’
who once in a lifetime was a candidate to be the wife of his existing husband
and is now a grandmother herself, but the wife still sees her as a potential
threat because women of all ages are insecure, and secondly the star plus
effect should be instilled in a wedding because ‘wo shaadi hy kya jis mai khaandaan waalon ka drama na ho’.
The much awaited day finally arrives (the first of the few to follow). Two
concerned fathers are even more concerned. The mothers are conscious of each
other even though both of them are heavily studded with all the required (and
not so required) accessories. The girls are exhibiting their beautiful clothes
to their friends and to the professional cameraman because having a ‘DP
material’ by the end of the event is like a religious obligation that has to be
performed. The boys are multitasking – managing the tasks given to them by the
parents and also keeping their eyes cool by ‘taarhofying’ chicks. The ‘Larkay
Walay’ have their necks an inch or two longer and stiffer than their
counterparts for some strange reasons. It is the time of entry of integral part
of the wedding; no you guessed it wrong, it’s not the bride or groom, it’s the guests,
the honorable guests, without the presence of whom the event is next to
impossible. All the fuss that has been described earlier was to impress these
people as they are not the simple guests, they in fact are the analyzers and
have come not to congratulate or eat (well of course that’s one of the major
incentive), but the main goal is to scrutinize the whole event with their
critical eyes.
The dholkee’s and mehndi’s are the best stage to show the
hidden ‘Nargis’ in all. Every one
moves their feet to the tunes and shake their hips depending on the level of
excitement. Most people, however, do intense bhangraas, thumkaas and luddi’s
‘jese unki apni phuphi ka viyaah ho’.
The next day on baraat is when most
of them are licking their lips. The Larkay
Walay are eager to check out the entire family and links of the Larki and vice versa. Baraati’s are ravishingly dressed up,
not any different from the groom and his immediate family members. Larki walay are ten times more eye-catching
in their appearance and beautiful girls are lined up in parallel rows with
flower petals in their hands, anxiously awaiting as if Prince Williams is about
to enter riding a unicorn. The girls seem more eager than the bride herself to
see how the ‘dulha BHAI’ looks like. Finally
the groom along with his battalion arrives in an attitude comparable to Sultan Rahi when a 90 kilogram heroine
used to dance around him in good old maula
jutt type movies and he used to be as stiff as a rock, and all the ways of
seduction by Anjuman used to go in
vain. Initial assessment of groom and
his family starts and their evaluation gets underway by the welcoming girls.
They are all then given a seat to be gossiping stock for the guests of larki wala’s till the bride is in the
makeup room. The Larkay walay, however, keeps on checking out
girls, and the elderly kill their time by keeping a close eye on the family of
bride. So the party doesn’t start till
the dulhan walks in.
Entry of the bride triggers the
meta-analysis. A string of comments are initiated such as ‘Wese dulhan zada pyaari hai’ by those who are Pro-Bride, while the
Anti-Bride group is like ‘Dulhay ki maa
lag rahi hai, itni barri hai’.
Other common comments include ‘Bilkul bhi
acha make up nahi kiya hua’, ‘kitna dark shade use kiya hua hai’, ‘dress bohat
pyaara hai, konsay boutique ka lag raha hai?’, ‘suite nai kar rahay dono, hoor
k saath langoor betha hua hai’, ‘larki barri chalaak lag rahi hai, baich k khaa
jayegi larkay waalon ko’, and khala’s
phupho’s are like ‘iss churrail se
tou achi meri beti thi’. The next
couple of hours are spend in the photo session where dulha and dulhan k maa baap,
behn bhai, behn ka susraal, khala
phupho khalu phupha with their kids and kids ke kids, maamu mumaani and their kids, chacha chachi and their kids, taaya taayi and their kids, nana nani, dada dadi, cousins and their
friends and susraal walay,
neighbours, collegues, friends, acquaintances, kaam waali maasi and their family, driver and their family, and all
the other possible relations take turns to have a picture on stage with the
couple. By the end of this extended session, the couple who has been faking up
with their constipated smiles, develop risus sardonicus. The Valima is also an extension of the
similar comments, although in a much calm and composed way as most of the
discussion has been done overnight. The focus this time is on the public
display of affection of bride and groom, ‘dekho
kitna chippak kar bethay hain, kesay
hans hans kar baatain kar rahay hain,
larki mai zaraa bhi sharam nahi hai, kese ganday poses mai tasveerain khichwa rahay hain, lagta hai pehle se dono ka chakkar tha’.
It is followed by a comparison between baraat
ka khaana and valeemay ka khaana
and ends at the final comments on the music, dances, interior designing,
marriage hall, food, appearances of Bride, her father and mother, her sisters
and brothers; Groom, his father and mother, his sisters and brothers, and the
relatives in general of the counterparts. Ultimately, all the pre-wedding khuwaari’s make sense. Those were all
done for a reason; to silence the critics in disguise of guests.
Wedding abroad is a beautiful and simple occasion where two soul-mates vow
to remain in a bond of love, trust, care and loyalty for the rest of their
lives. It’s a special occasion in the lives of two people who are starting a
new journey together and they are the center of attention in a small yet a
meaningful and a genuinely well-wishing crowd. People hardly discuss how the bride
and groom are appearing, how the respective families are dressed, what is being
served at food and where the event is taking place. Everyone is out there to
make it the most memorable day of the lives of two people, and every other
person will be saying ‘it’s the best couple ever’. No one will ever be
judgmental and keep their worthy notions to themselves. That’s the reason why
the weddings abroad are much simpler, economical and have less hustles and
bustles.
The reason why our weddings are more complicated is because of these ‘baygaani shaadi mai Abdullah dewaanay’,
who will first dance like it’s their ‘maasi
da viyaah’, and then gossip around. It’s because of the fear of these
people and anticipation of their critical gossips that the concerned families
go out of the way in making efforts to silence the crowd with awe and don’t
give them a reason to open their mouth which is next to impossible, no matter
how perfect the event turns out to be. People need to understand that two people
are beginning a new journey and they need to be well wished with sincerity.
Being bitchy is not going to do any good to anyone. The focus of attention
should remain with the wedding couple in all the positives ways and the people
should not stick their nose in a special life event of two people. After all,
it’s not your own wedding and you don’t have to act crazy.
